You know what your problem is, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You’re chicken, you’ve got no guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and admit that yes, life’s a fact. People do fall in love and they do belong to one another because it’s the only chance anyone’s got at real happiness. You call yourself a ‘free spirit’, a ‘wild thing’, and you’re terrified someone’s gonna stick you in a cage. Well, guess what? You’re already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it’s not bound in the east by Somaliland or in the west by Tulip, Texas. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter how much you run, you’ll always run into yourself.
— Breakfast at Tiffany’s


Hi there. My name is Marice and I am 20 years old. Twenty freakin’ years old. Yes, I am old. I have lived for two decades already. But I haven’t seen much in life. I have lived inside an imaginary glass case and used to people who always tell me how fragile I am. They’ve always driven my life the way they want it to be. This is supposed to be my show, but it turns out to be that I’m just one of its audiences.

Now I am in the stage of my life where I want to break free from the glass case, smash it hard on their faces and then run away. This is my show; I want to run it and star on it. I want to know who I am and who will I become. I want to experience life as it is. I want to loosen up. I want to experience staying outside looking at the stars. I want to be smitten by life and its wonders. I want these things to happen.

But the thing is, I don’t know how. I want to do things my way this time but I don’t want to offend those who care for me too much.

Of course I am not exempting myself from the cause of this fuckery. They may be the ones who built the glass case but I was the one who let them do it. I didn’t have the guts to make it stop. I have let my fear and doubts consume me.

And I don’t know what will happen next.

I have said this on my blog too many times, but I will repeat it anyway. I hate change. I really hate it. I hate hate hate change.

I know for a fact that change is inevitable, but I believe that not all situations call for it.

Heart-to-heart talk in the train. Whispers. Meaningless smiles. Awkward pauses. Call for changes.

Yes, I know that I can be a brat. Yes, I know that I can be a pain in the ass. Yes, I admit that I am a crybaby. Yes, I admit that I am a crazy bitch. Yes, I know and I admit that you might be doing this to me because you care.

He wants me to make mistakes and learn from them. He wants me to experience pain because pain is good.

Excuse me for the Gossip Girl reference, but I feel like Blair Waldorf in season 3. In other words, I just don’t belong in this place I am in. I am the (pretty) odd one.

I know that I have to grow up, because I am already 20 years old. I should stand on my own, have decisions, etc. But I can’t do that in a snap. I really hate it when people expect me to grow up instantly.

The hardest part about growing up is letting go of what you were used to, and moving on with something you are not.

I am not sure if I am ready for this.

But I am trying. I am trying real hard because I care. You just don’t know how hard it is for me to go out of my comfort zone. So please stop treating me as if my life is too abnormal.

I truly miss my friends (particularly Joanna, Fresh and Jenn), the “crowd” where I feel I belong. Why is it when I’m with them, I feel genuinely happy wen I laugh? Is it because they love me despite my Sunshine Barbie-ness?

You’ve caused too much damage on me. I have started to question my values, my beliefs and my self. I have thought of doing crazy things too, just to save myself from being ostracized. I have killed too much people in my mind; sometimes I feel guilty but on second thought, I don’t. I am so fucked up. But I know that I am better than this.

Now I just pray things will work out for the better.
 

The forty-second week of this year is very unforgettable. It was a rollercoaster ride; I can even write a short novel about it. There were so many things that had happened though there were only few people involved.

He called me babe, said the ‘3 words, 8 letters’ then fucked me over.

And I don’t know how that happened. It was quick; it was faster than a speed of light. Perhaps he was not really the one I thought he would be. Or maybe… he was not able to reach my expectations.

Then the past became the present and the basis of my future.

The guy who changed my life came back, not with a vengeance but with a new perspective. I missed him so much. We were happy and mature now. We were talking about life after school and he was even giving me advice about love. Strange, I know. I never thought that we will reach this stage. For a second I thought this was a sign that the apocalypse is coming, but no. It was a breath of fresh air. I felt so blissful even though we were just staring at each other. I seriously needed that moment. I needed to see his smile, to hear his laughter and to be with him. I needed him to keep me going.

I never wanted that day to end. I wanted to stay by his side forever.

It sucks, I know. After everything that had happened, it is still him whom I find refuge from. We understand each other so much that it makes me so happy. My Council of True Friends may think that I am doing the most ridiculous thing ever and/or I have never learned from my past, but hey, I can’t help but fall all over again with this guy. He is my ultimate picker-upper. He is and will forever be my Chuck Bass.

This was also the week when I realized that I wanted to run away from everything. My dreams are slowly being shattered by the real world’s fuckery. I never thought things will be like this. I never thought that the thing that makes me keep going, the thing that I dreamed of all my life will suck all the hope I have for myself.

This is way too frustrating. But yes, I have to keep going. Just like what I tell all of my friends.

It’s been almost a month since I last updated my blog. I’ve been too lazy, busy and preoccupied for the past few days.

Here I compiled the scribbles on my notebook, sentiments that I typed on my phone and some random thoughts that popped in my head while I was typing these stuff below. I need to breathe. I need to clean my slate.


Lovegames

I was never into sports. My easily-bruised body is too fragile for that. But if you consider dancing as a sport, please call me sporty.

I was never into sports but I love games. Scheming, plotting and mindfucking games are my favorite. It gives me a different kind of adrenaline rush. I love how it makes me think and imagine. I love how it gives me power to mentally torture other people. Ugh, pleasure.

Lovegames seem to be dangerous but it is exciting.


Digging my own grave

I am digging my own grave.

Now I understand why drug addicts still smoke pot though it is a known fact that it can kill you and it’s never easy to quit.

This act is something which I will unlikely do. This is very compulsive, irrational in some ways and very much stupid.

This is bad. I’m hooked.


Twenty-one

For my 21st birthday, I want to do something rebellious. The itinerary, my dear readers, is outstanding.

Gossip Girl season 3 finally premiered in the US. Though I have an idea what to expect, I still feel nervous to watch the third season of my most favorite show ever. So here’s a list of the things that will be happening this season:

1. The Non-judging Breakfast Club and the Brooklynites are going to college. Blair, Dan and Vanessa the troll are going to NYU (I approve of the Blair-Dan thing; I find it cute, haha. On the other hand, why does the troll go to school now? Eew) . Serena is off to Brown (but I doubt that she will, since Stephanie Savage and Josh Schwartz said in an interview that they will keep them all in NYC). Georgina will make Blair’s life in NYU crazy as she becomes her roommate (why does Blair Waldorf have a roommate?) Nate will be studying in Columbia (make him the hottie that he really is, just like in the books!) Chuck will now manage the Bass Industries (hope he won’t be stuck with office drama. That is so not Chuck Bass).

This whole college thing is making me feel nervous but excited at the same time. It’s a whole new environment; I will definitely miss Constance and St. Jude’s.

2. Jenny Humphrey is the new queen bee. Jenny will be the one serving us all the high school drama now. Hmm, I don’t think I’ll be entertained much by her.

3. Chuck and Blair so perfectly together. I love the two of them, in fact I ship them. But I am nervous with all this “in a relationship” status. My greatest fear is for them to be cheesy (like Dan and Serena) and lose all those scheming and plotting.

4. Cheesy guest stars: Hillary Duff as Olivia (Dan’s new love interest who turns out to be a movie star), Joanna Garcia as Bree (Nate’s mysterious date) and Tyra Banks as someone they haven’t released the name yet (though her character will cross paths with Serena and Olivia). Give them spice for chrissakes, GG writers.

5. The new loveteams: Serena and Carter, Nate and Bree, Dan and Olivia. Serena hooking up with Carter is so pre-boarding school Serena. Hope they’ll bring that back. Exciting! On the other hand, I do not really have to worry with the latter since they will be just existing in a number of episodes. But I think they’ll be lame.

6. Same sex kiss featuring Chuck Bass. This is an ultimate OMG moment. But wait until you know the purpose of the kiss. Dear Chuck did this for Blair. Aww, isn’t that sweet?

7. Rufus and Lily getting married. They will be allotting an episode for this. Eew. Can they just get over this in a snap?

8. Vanessa the troll and Scott (Dan and Serena’s half-brother) hooking up. I really don’t care. But I approve if she’ll hook up with Rufus. YES.

9. Jenny’s trashy look continues. Aww. I miss those times when Jenny Humphrey was this cute girl. Now she looks like a hooker. Why Taylor, why?

10. Chuck Bass will be stuck wearing suits and more suits than ever. Okaaaay, this is totally unrelated to the whole GG plot but I still can’t get over this news.

Yesterday, I checked my inbox and two new tattoos of Ed Westwick greeted me good morning. They were so ugly that upon seeing them, I instantly had a fever. Seriously.

I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

( See the ugly )

I will be watching episode one tonight with the hopes that the GG writers did not fuck up the storylines. Please, make us love you.

It makes me feel so frustrated when I wanted something, gave it my all, yet nothing happened. See, I really like this guy. He looks so cute gwapo, charming… kinda like a Nate Archibald to me. But things just don’t work properly. We don’t have sparks. :(

Let me expound on that. By sparks, I mean chemistry. By chemistry, I mean rapport. By rapport, I mean laughter and knowledge shared. I need and want witty conversations. I wish for someone who will make me raise an eyebrow not because I am irritated but because I am impressed.

Unfortunately, that is what we are lacking. Well, we go along together but we can’t even make our conversation last for a minute. It is so frustrating. He made me laugh once. ONCE. We always have those “silent moments” though (see: “Summer and Smoke”, September 2009). A friend told me that silent moments are precious, because both of you are just enjoying each other’s presence. But I am not buying that. Instead of making me feel giddy, it made me think that maybe he hates me or he just doesn’t like me because I’m “such a good girl”.

The latest incident which made me think that we are so lame together happened last week, when he started to talk about some “trashy” things. It was devastating. I was disgusted. That was something unexpected.

Yes, I know it’s normal for boys to talk about those kinds of stuff, but it was my first time to encounter a male specie talking about that in my face. I felt offended and exploited. I was not amused.

Is this a sign for me to give up? Whatever the answer, I honestly won’t care. I’ll keep on liking him and hating him anyway.

Moral of the story: Physical attraction isn’t enough.

Update: I want to go back to those days when he didn’t mean much to me. I hate being attached to people whom I don’t have any assurance that they’ll love me back. I need to grow up.

Looks like I’ll be blogging more about this.